Is It Love or Being Inordinately Attached?

One of the “pillars” of Ignatian Spirituality, in my opinion, has something to do with what it calls disordered or inordinate attachments.  I find it very important that the idea of being inordinately attached makes me aware of any thing, relationship, thought or feeling that I am holding on to in an unhealthy way, to the point that it stops me from becoming a free person who can choose to be with God.  And perhaps, more importantly, it invites me to overcome and unshackle myself from that which already imprisons me and prevents me from growing.  And, thus, I can become more free and happy.
 

If I look back to some instances and choices in my life, I have to admit that it was not always easy to identify that I was already being inordinately attached to something or someone.  In different occasions, I convinced myself that either I was being strong and courageous by continuing to do and choose what I was pursuing even when it became difficult, or that it was a practice of patience, or I was fighting the good and right fight by not letting go.  All these became my conscious or unconscious excuses and explanations.  But what was my best “cover up” for my disordered attachment?  Love.  I could tell myself that I was acting out of love that is never supposed to give up; that if I truly loved anything or anyone, there was nothing that should make me say, “Stop. No more.  Never again.  Enough.”  
 

Now, although I’d like to think that I’ve grown somehow, I am still not sure that I can very easily identify disordered attachment and love from one another, especially if I am deep into the moment or the experience.  Why?  Because they share some characteristics, they may make me act in similar manners, and they may have the same intensity and “strength”.   For one, both love and being inordinately attached provide focus.  Just imagine Sam and Gollum from “The Lord of the Rings” who are examples of love and being inordinately attached, respectively.   Each of them showed in their actions of persistence what the two very different things they were manifesting.  Out of love, Sam did not give up on Frodo and out of inordinate attachment, Gollum did not give up on the ring, even when the going got tough and even when their lives were threatened in many occasions.   Also, both love and being inordinately attached can involve so much commitment, even fighting with all of one’s energies up to the last breath for that which is held in love or what is being unhealthily attached to.  Two examples of this would be the lives of Saint Theresa of Calcutta and Adolf Hitler.  
 

So, I do get confused between love and being inordinately attached.  For sure, one is not good for me while the other is the best thing that could ever happen.  Of course, if I had the clarity to see what it is, I would always choose love over disordered attachment.  But how do I then know which one am I living out, which one is the reason for my actions and choices?  The story of Christ’s birth gives me a glimpse on how to distinguish these two.
 

If I look at those who were involved in this narrative, I could very well see how these two are different.  King Herod’s disordered attachment to power made him decree the death of male children.  On the other hand, Mary showed an indifference, the antidote to unhealthy attachment, to her own concerns of bearing the Child out of love and trust in God.  In Joseph, we initially see that he could have acted based on inordinate attachment: he could have chosen status and security and in this case, he would have followed through his original plan of quietly divorcing Mary.  But out of love for her, he eventually decided to stay by her side even when the circumstances were uncertain.
 

The narrative of Christ’s birth offers distinctions between love and disordered attachment.  Love makes us go out of ourselves to be more compassionate towards others and more trusting in God as can be seen in Mary and Joseph.  Disordered attachment puts us in blind focus of ourselves and of our fears, which in the case of Herod was the fear of losing power.  Love makes us braver, able to venture into the unknown as how Mary and Joseph carried on with just the courage of knowing God sent them on that mission.  Disordered attachment makes us act insecurely and with much unease, as how Herod commanded the murder of male children out of the insecurity that one of them will grow up to take his throne from him.  Love builds community and relationship, as we witness the lifelong commitment of Mary and Joseph with each other.  Disordered attachment destroys the concern for others, as we see in Herod’s focus on himself alone.
 

This Season of Advent, I hope to practice distinguishing between these two more.  In finding gifts, am I more concerned with those who will receive or just with the idea that I need to give (wherever this need may be coming from)?  When I attend get-togethers, do I value the camaraderie I have while spending time in the company of friends and family or am I focused on the “requirement” of having to be there because I don’t want to be the odd person out who doesn’t spend Christmas with those I “should” spend it with?  When the feelings of the season envelope me, do I realize the love of the God who sends His own son to be with me or am I just being attached to the merriness of the vacation, the celebrations and the traditions?
 

Distinguishing love and disordered attachment is a lifelong struggle for me, I think.  But once a year, I can relish and relive a story that helps me sift between these two.  The Nativity Story reminds me that, more than anything, I am made for love because I have been loved enough for God to send me His very own beloved Son.

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